8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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