the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
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