Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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