I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
