I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
