Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
