You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
