Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
