It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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