I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
