so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
