Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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