he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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