You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I didn't notice because vodka
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
