This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Randomize