Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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