If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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