woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
