I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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