I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
