I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
