dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
