dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
