She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize