I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
