Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
