Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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