He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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