the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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