I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Randomize
