I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
