I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
