I bet he comes in French.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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