i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
