Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
