gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
