mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
