she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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