rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
