Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
