My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
