david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
