hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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