dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
