Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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