if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Tell her she can't have a vagina
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
