Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
