Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will pee on everything he values.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
