I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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