remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
