420 ftw
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
