I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize