PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
