Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Randomize
