he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
