i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Randomize
