Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
