I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
