Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
