just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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