He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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