I think i peed on brittanys purse
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
