My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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