She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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