i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
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