We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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