You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
