Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
