i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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