I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
