when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Randomize