Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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