Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize