And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Randomize