Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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