When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
