Tell her she can't have a vagina
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
