i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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