I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
